I feel as if there has been a lot of death and pain the past several weeks, heck this whole year really. I have experienced some of this pain with my first and second miscarriage and the passing of my amazing grandpa Wayne E. Saunders. I have sought for guidance from ancient prophets and apostles in the book of mormon and from modern prophets and apostles in conference talks given throughout the years.
I never realized how much a loss could impact a person until my first miscarriage. In January of this year Josh and I decided to start the expansion of our family. Not soon after deciding that, I found out I was pregnant! I was so excited because it didn't take very long for me to get pregnant, and I had wanted a baby for a while and it finally felt like the right time to start. Not too long after finding out though, I started bleeding and in February I miscarried. Josh and I were devastated. I was able to keep functioning though because of my amazing husband and my amazing friends Katie and Beth who helped me with my photography projects that were trying to kill me! My friend Lindy unknowingly helped as well, she was my workout buddy who kept me busy with non-photo stuff and kept encouraging me with my projects. I consider myself extremely lucky during this time of my life because I was able to feel the constant love and encouragement of my friends and the constant love and encouragement of our Heavenly Father. I can still remember how I felt when I got the call from the Dr.'s about the results of my blood work. I felt like my world was starting to fall apart and that someone had torn my heart out. As soon as I felt all the heart ache, pain and sadness, I felt love, peace, and joy. The peace that I felt obliterated most of the pain I was feeling and helped lift me through my last and toughest college semester. Looking back on that experience always amazes me. I am amazed at how close my Heavenly Father and Savior were to me, I am amazed at how much they desired to help, comfort, and lift me through this trial. I have never forgotten and never will forget that.
Fast forward several months, Josh and I moved to Las Vegas Nevada for Josh's job, I found a job, and we were trying for baby #2. After about 6 months of trying and having no success, I finally got my BFP (big fat positive)! September was my month but I didn't find out until October that I was pregnant again. I was so thrilled but so terrified. I new that God had blessed me with another pregnancy and I was thrilled. I was terrified though to see blood on my underwear or in the toilet. I took it one day at a time and felt like this pregnancy was the one we had been praying and fasting for. It wasn't until October 9th at 4:30am that I knew things had changed. I woke up because of really painful cramps and thats when I knew that I was going through another miscarriage. Luckily I was able to go see my OBGYN that same morning, she did an ultrasound and luckily everything had passed. I was glad that I wasn't able to sit alone at home thinking about what had just happened. My little brother Trevor was getting married in a few days and Josh and I were going to drive up to Utah for the wedding the same day I had my miscarriage. My actions were different than they were with my first miscarriage, but the feelings were the same, only add empty and numb to the list. I didn't want to be around a lot of people, I could tell that something was missing from me, if I could see it when I looked in the mirror then I was sure that others would be able to see it as well. I didn't want to have to pretend to be happy when I had a hard time laughing and smiling. And that's weird because thats usually all I do! I kept praying though and I knew that Heavenly Father was with me. I was able to have a great time at girl's day with my sister and sisters in law the day before the wedding, laughing and smiling! When I talked to people I hadn't seen in a long time at the wedding reception, I was able to tell them I was doing good when they asked how things were. And I really felt like I was doing good! I knew that God was helping me because if He wasn't, I wouldn't have been able to keep it together!
I was blessed with amazing visiting teachers Bethany and Janné. I had heard that Bethany had had several miscarriages and I knew that I could call her and she would understand. When Josh and I had gotten back from our weekend in Utah, Bethany came over with a big bouquet of white flowers and sat with me for a while just talking with me. I could feel how much she cared for me, I knew that Heavenly Father made her my visiting teacher because he knew that I would need her help!
The second miscarriage is weird, its hard to explain how you feel because there are hardly any words to really explain how you feel. I guess one way to explain it is you can feel perfectly fine when you wake up, by lunch you feel like you are drowning in despair, Then come dinner you feel like you almost drowned but are still alive but exhausted. If anyone else can explain it better, please feel free. I was able to help serve a sister whom I visit teach. Her mother had just passed away suddenly and needed help. I was glad that I was able to help someone with their grieving so I wouldn't have to think about mine. Service has always helped me when I have started feeling sorry for myself or was starting to feel like despair was swallowing me alive. On my bad days I try to read the scriptures or general conference talks so that I can find relief from all the sad and negative feelings. The Gospel Library app is amazing, you are able to highlight text and write comments or tag the text or verse to a category. I have a lot that deal with trial, but I would like to share some of the text that I have highlighted that has helped to comfort and guid me when I have struggled.
There is a hymn in the LDS church hymn book called Where Can I Turn for Peace? I have felt a connection with this song as of late because the words speak the words that have been running through my heart and head. It gives me great comfort that I can find the comfort God wants me to have in the hymns that were so inspired! The lyrics read as follows:
I always look forward to General Conference and find them to be some of the the most enlightening two days a person could have. If you have doubts about whether the prophet and apostles are called of God, you only need to read the talks that are given by these choice men. I have had small doubts throughout my life, but every time I hear or read their words I feel a conformation from the Holly Ghost that what they say and teach is true. Here is part of a talk that has confirmed and re confirmed this to me. It is a talk given in the April 2014 General Conference by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf titled Greatful in Any Circumstances, it talks about trials that everyone goes through and the burdens we all have. President Uchtdorf talks about how he has listened to many of the brothers and sisters stories of of sorrow and goes on to say:
"I have pondered what to say to them, and I have struggled to know how to comfort and support them in their trials. Often their grief is caused by what seems to them as an ending. Some are facing the end of a cherished relationship, such as the death of a loved one or estrangement from a family member. Others feel they are facing the end of hope- the hope of being married or bearing children or overcoming an illness. Others may be facing the end of their faith, as confusing and conflicting voices in the world tempt them to question, even abandon, what they once knew to be true. Sooner or later, I believe that all of us experience times when the very fabric of our world tears at the seams, leaving us feeling alone, frustrated, and adrift. It can happen to anyone. No one is immune. Everyone's situation is different, and the details of each life are unique. Nevertheless, I have learned that there is something that would take away the bitterness that may come into our lives. There is one thing we can do to make life sweeter, more joyful, even glorious. We can be grateful! It might sound contrary to the wisdom of the world to suggest that one who is burdened with sorrow should give thanks to God. But those who set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding."(Italics added)
With my first miscarriage I found myself giving thanks for the trial that I was going through. A part of me was confused as to why I was doing this, but I soon realized that it was my spirit, not my mortal body, that was grateful for what I was going through. I realized that I wasn't going through this trial by myself because I could feel my Savior right next to me. I was grateful for that trial because I was able to learn about and come closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. Sometimes its harder to be grateful than other times. With my second miscarriage I found myself to be less grateful for what was going on, I believe that I closed myself off more to the help that God wanted to give to me. It has taken me a few weeks to realize that, and I regret it. In another conference talk given November 1996 by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland titled "The Peaceable Things of the Kingdom", brother Holland tells us that, "In the world we shall have tribulations, but we are to be of good cheer. Christ has overcome the world." I find it amazing what we can overcome when do our best to "be of good cheer" and are grateful.
Through all of the losses I have had so far this year, I feel blessed to know about eternal families. My family has just lost an amazing man, my grandfather, to cancer. He passed October 19th. It makes me happy to know that I will see him again and that I am tied to him for eternity. As for the two babies I lost, I am not 100% sure if I was able to bring two spirits into this world, the church doesn't really know when our spirits enter our bodies either. But if I was able to bring two spirits down, I know that I will be able to see them in the next life.
For all those who are dealing with trials and losses that others can see, or that we are not able to see, I hope that you will be able to find comfort in the song and conference talks that I have shared above. I have felt the need to share those, and hope that you will be able to find similar comfort that I have been able to find in them.
(Here is a link to the hymn given above. https://www.lds.org/music/library/hymns/where-can-i-turn-for-peace?lang=eng)
No fun addie! Thank you for sharing your experience often women keep these stories closed from others, which is not helpful carrying the sorrow alone.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your losses.